PTSD and What It Means for a Relationship

Many of you know this, but my wife has PTSD and ADHD. I don't have either. However, because I love someone that does have PTSD, I encounter it on a near-daily basis. Over the last few years, I have learned several things, and over the last couple of years, I have learned a lot about this loaded disorder. What I want for this post is to relay some of the things that I have learned as I reflect on the relationship I have with my wife. Now, let me say this right up front: I am not a medical professional, nor am I a marriage therapist or counselor of any kind. None of the things in this post (or this blog for that matter) should be taken as medical or relationship advice. Also, I want to say that survivors with PTSD do not all have the same circumstances. I will do my best to generalize, but it is difficult when no two people have the same experiences.

My wife and I were together for several years before she received a diagnosis of PTSD, so the last few years have been a quest for knowledge and understanding on both our parts.

1. PTSD means that conflict will happen and vary in intensity.
2. It is imperative to create an environment of safety and to make sure your partner has control when he or she is in flashback mode. Not only that, make sure your partner knows that he or she is in control when their symptoms are high.
3. At times, PTSD means deep, intimate discussions about PTSD. Other times, it means greater distance.
4. PTSD triggers are [sometimes] unpredictable. A way of thinking about this is "connecting the dots". For example, say you hear a loud motor whiz by as you're driving down the highway. For a PTSD survivor, a loud motor can be a trigger that connects to all sorts of other triggers and effects: A loud motor connects to a car accident that connects to medical bills that connects to avoidance of opening mail that connects to not answering phone calls...
5. Some days are easier to manage than others—but symptom level management is something a survivor will deal with on a daily basis.
6. Healthy coping methods should be in place at all times. This varies from person to person, so it's important to keep active discussions about them.
7. At times, the partner's role is more active. Other times, the partner's role is more passive.
8. Never, never, never, ever invalidate a partner's trigger or PTSD.
9. Both of you: Get extra support and vent frustrations.
10. Above all, communication and safety are two keys to deep intimacy.